So recently it seems that I'm on an emotional roller coaster.
Or rather it is that I'm trying too hard to be happy?
I'm very positive thinking (or at least I think I am?) so I try my best to see things in the positive light, always avoiding to spoil my mood with stuff that I know I'm unhappy about by creating a somehow inexistent world of happiness. But the reality doesn't change and the point of realization still hits me.
Broken families, broken hearts.
Why do we have to suffer from the misery in life?
Why do we encounter problems that crack our brains and break our hearts?
Why is it that the more we try to be happy, the sadder we feel?
The emptiness creeps in unknowingly in my heart, as I stare blank into space while traveling on the bus, as I lie awake in bed because I can't get to sleep, as I can't help but notice strangers around me are laughing and rejoicing about good and happy things. I feel alone, lonely, lost sometimes, and definitely a strong yearning for company. I want someone to share the silence with me, just sitting there quietly, thinking, relaxing the body, letting go of the stressful weight on my shoulders. Yes I have friends that can do this with me, but while my heart craves for a short h2h session, time doesn't permits. & that is when I start to feel sad all over again. I wish life can be more simpler, more about being happy because I believe that behind all those sorrows lies happiness. Even if this isn't the case all the time, even if this is irrelevant or invalid in real life, I strongly believe in it. You only live once, it is crucial that you live it well, make sure time is well spent so that you won't die with regrets. But who is there to judge whether what is worth doing in this short span of life? I really wonder.
Encounters in our lives changes us, the environment changes us, people change, feelings change. Does forever truly exists? I doubt so. Somewhat independent, I have times when I wish there was somebody I can rely on, whom I can trust with my whole heart. But I am afraid to take that step, I don't want to end up being disappointed when I don't get what I wished for. Oh my, life is so unpredictable and vexing at times. I need more time to ponder about this.
I need more time.
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Back from the catch up with my girlfriends, it feels like we have not met for months. & I hate being so distant with people I love. I get all insecure and sensitive. Tskkk. I love how cranky and weird we behave when we get together, but that weird feels like normal to me. Even though we might be standing in the middle of the crowd, chatting and being engrossed in our world while strangers pass by us and might be thinking like 'Why the fuck are these girls obstructing the way?' , I am totally fine and not giving a shit about it. Our telepathy that we managed to build up as we got to know each other better as days passed, our sense of humor that not everyone gets it. Damn I thought we must be sisters in our past lives. I miss how close we used to be back then when we could see each other everyday and irritate each other but still giving in at the end. Why is it so difficult to spend quality time together?
So sad that our lives are just going in different directions and that we simply cannot find time or are restricted by unnecessary circumstances that's why we are so distant. Sigh. Stay strong sweethearts, no matter what comes along in life, I'll still hold on to my belief that we can surely find happiness after having going though sorrows. I am darn sure I will stick to the end and may we find true happiness and satisfaction with our lives in the near future <3
Reality check, it's one more week to recess week! & what's even better than BB's concert to kickstart the celebration of loads and tons of free time to meet people I've missed badly during this period! I am grateful and glad that I'm doing what I enjoy most everyday - art. But the feeling is just isn't as satisfactory without certain people around. Am I just asking for too much? Sighh.
3D lesson this time round has improved a lot, I actually am contented with my final paper structure!
Really pleased with the results after numerous attempts and wasting of papers. I am so sorry trees. I labeled 19th September as the best 3D lesson ever cause I had the time to slack and fool around ;)
And even trolled on our dear spanish prof.
Random photos taken during school.
ft. Sham
ft. Vivian C (There's so many Vivians around) and Hanbin.
ft. Liwen
ft. Jayme and Kalai (who trains to school with me frequently)
Mono-printing for 2D class today and I was totally obsessed with the stamp below I starting stamping myself as well.
That's about all recently.
Met Stephy coincidentally today and I'll be meeting Nana next week, my girlfriends the week after next! Bowling session plus maybe a mini consultation with Brayden & Chloe's dad about my drawing skills on Sunday. I look forward to a better week ahead and hope this emptiness goes away soon because it's just so depressing ugh.
I have to do something about my dark circles and ugly eye bags.