Tough times happen in life, it's just part and parcel of life.
But tough times are difficult as the word 'tough' itself suggests, and different individuals have different ways of perceiving and accepting the harsh fact.
I was a strong girl, or at least I thought I was.
I never had the troubles of bgr problems, I may suck a little in my studies but yeah my world seems to be just plain simple and peaceful. But maybe all that was the peace before the storm, or maybe I was just to blind to notice the disaster ahead. Life is unpredictable right? I used to wonder why workshops for communication skills even exist. Then it struck me that these skills that I thought were useless are the key to solving the problems I'm facing. They are what could save me and the people around me.
Haunted by the same issue, I couldn't turn to anyone close enough back then. It was something I felt too private to share, it was something embarrassing that I didn't wish to share anyway. The pressure I faced, the tears behind all the sorrow, I kept it all to myself. I am a strong girl, I tell myself, I have to be mentally strong for myself, for my sibling. But I am a girl, and girls cry, don't they? Sometimes I wonder if I'll turn psychotic one day. Sometimes I get suicidal thoughts. Sometimes life just seems so damn suffocating. Negative thoughts will start invading my mind, bringing me to a whole down low, keeping me trapped there thinking where have I gone wrong. People close to me would know that I'm a very positive person. I believe in positive thinking, I like the idea of happiness, I chase after the littlest things in life that would make me happy. The first impression I give to strangers is that I'm a bubbly person. However that isn't true when I look at the reflection of my life, no I'm not happy at all, the place I return to at the end of the day isn't the warm snuggly room filled with love, well not anymore. And with this, my life feels empty. A puzzle with a missing piece. The emptiness crawls into my heart, it makes my heart ache, the more I think about it, the more I yearn for that complete puzzle, the more I feel pathetic about myself. I feel even more low when I know I don't have the power to resolve the problem, I feel useless. I feel inferior, despite how confident I may seem to be. I feel weak, I fall into the deepest pits and struggle very hard to climb out.
For years, the same old problem keeps recurring, snowballing to what it is today. Time is the solution they say. Yeah time numbs the heart and mind while the pile of shit multiply and breed on its own.
My dear friends who have no idea what the hell I'm saying, it's okay. For those who are having similar problems, we can probably cry over our shit together. I'm born a crybaby, but I do control myself and limit myself for the issues I cry over. This is the only shit that brings tears to my eyes every single time I think about it. Really, fml.
I am not happy at all.
But shit is shit, love still exists. To me, it is a diversion of attention, a place where I seek comfort in, people who stay by my side and support me when I'm down on my knees. I'm blessed to have angels like them in my life, sheltering me from my troubles and lending me their listening ears. Thank you beautiful people, my bffs and my love, I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing now without your advice and words of comfort. I'm glad to have a second home to turn to, pillars of support there for me anytime I need them. Nothing feels more powerful and encouraging than these efforts of simply making me smile. I promise I'll be strong and up on my knees soon. I would wanna be around for you when you face shit too and be there to say "Hey, I got your back!"
Soon, you'll see me smiling again.